Back in the day, while I was beginning my master’s degree at Liberty University, I believed I was doing well for myself. I moved to a different state, left behind family and friends, went to class, went to work… then just went home to my apartment. This was normal, just existing, I thought that is how everyone lived life. Sure, I went through some things growing up, but they were in the past! There is no WAY those things could possibly be affecting me now, that was YEARS ago!
Then, the worst thing that could have happened to my introverted self happened, I was invited to “hang out.” I panicked, “Wait, I haven’t had to meet people for years, they are going to hate me!” This was my automatic thought and I still thought that was the normal, introverted response; panicking and quickly coming up with an excuse that I had homework, even though the person inviting me was in the same classes as me and obviously knew there was no homework.
Thankfully, over time I grew close to people at Liberty, but I realized quickly that I needed some help; I was not as well off as I thought I was and decided (with great coercing) to start my own counseling journey.
It was the most uncomfortable experience of my life…and the greatest.
I tell my clients all the time that I was the worst client of all time until things started clicking for me. After that, you couldn’t get me away from my weekly counseling sessions which I continued throughout my entire master’s degree.
I wanted to write on this subject today because I know firsthand how difficult and scary it is to ask for help. I had one image in my head of what counseling looked like which led me to being incredibly resistant to it. Thankfully, all of my expectations were broken over time and it led me to the greatest period of growth in my life.
You may have thought about making an appointment for weeks, months, or even years. You may have found yourself wondering, “Do I really need counseling?” or “What am I even supposed to talk about?” And if you’ve never been to therapy before, there may be another question in the back of your mind:
If you’ve never been to counseling before, feeling nervous or unsure is completely normal. You aren’t expected to know exactly what to say, what questions to ask, or even what you need.
The truth is, counseling can look different for every person. There isn’t one formula that works for everyone. Your counselor’s job is to meet you where you are, understand what you’re experiencing, and work with you to determine what kind of support will be most helpful.
What Happens During the First Appointment?
Your first counseling appointment is often about getting to know one another.
My first goal when I see my clients is to connect with them. Sometimes we barely even touch the topic that brings the client into counseling. If there is resistance to counseling, effective counseling is extremely difficult, if not impossible. Therefore, my number one goal is to show that I genuinely care about my client as a person, not just their particular challenge they are facing. For my kids and teens that I see, sometimes I will spend the majority of the first time talking about sports or videos games with them!
In general, your counselor will want to understand what brought you to counseling, what you’ve been experiencing, and what you hope will be different as a result of therapy. You may talk about your current concerns, relationships, family, work, school, past experiences, or other things that may be affecting how you’re doing today.
You may also begin talking about goals for counseling. Sometimes those goals are very specific, such as learning to manage anxiety or working through a relationship problem. Other times, you may simply know that something isn’t working and you want to feel different.
My rule of thumb is that the first session rarely involves therapy in the way the average person thinks about it, and more about getting to know each other, presenting concerns, and the beginnings of a treatment plan.
You don’t have to have everything figured out before you arrive.
In fact, one of the most common things people say during their first appointment is:
“I don’t even know where to start.”
That’s okay.
Starting somewhere is enough. Your counselor can help you organize your thoughts and begin figuring out what is most important.
So…Do I Just Sit on a Couch and Talk?
Sometimes!
….sometimes it is a chair, I have both options!
But counseling is much more than simply sitting in a room and talking about your problems.
Depending on your needs and your counselor’s approach, therapy may involve learning new coping skills, identifying patterns in your thoughts or behaviors, improving communication, processing difficult experiences, working through relationship problems, developing healthier boundaries, or learning how to better understand and manage your emotions.
Some sessions may involve a lot of talking. Other sessions may involve practicing a skill, completing an exercise, processing a specific experience, or working toward a particular goal.
For example, you might spend one session talking through a difficult relationship situation and another learning specific strategies for managing anxiety or overwhelming emotions.
Many times the process is a collaboration between the counselor and client to work together to discover what is needed in the session.
There isn’t a requirement that every session looks the same.
Counseling Is a Team Effort
One of the most important things to understand about counseling is that your counselor isn’t there to tell you how to live your life.
Counseling is a collaborative process.
Your counselor brings professional training, clinical experience, and knowledge of different therapeutic approaches. You bring something equally important: your knowledge of yourself and your life.
Together, you can identify what isn’t working, explore why, and determine what changes may help.
Sometimes counseling is about finding solutions.
Sometimes it’s about understanding why you keep finding yourself in the same situations.
Sometimes it’s about learning how to experience difficult emotions without allowing those emotions to control your actions.
And sometimes, counseling is simply having a safe place to finally say out loud what you’ve been carrying around by yourself.
What If I Don’t Want to Talk About Something?
You are allowed to have boundaries in counseling.
You don’t have to walk into your first appointment ready to tell your entire life story. You don’t have to discuss something before you’re ready, and you don’t have to know exactly how to explain everything you’re feeling.
A healthy therapeutic relationship develops over time, and trust is an important part of that process. In my session particularly, I am vocal with my clients that if someone is not ready to talk about something (particularly a traumatic event), we could cause more harm than good by opening that conversation.
There may eventually be difficult things that need to be discussed in order to make progress, but your counselor can help you approach those things appropriately and at a pace that makes sense for you.
What If I Cry?
You wouldn’t be the first person to cry in a counseling office.
And you certainly won’t be the last…that will probably be myself, when I retire.
Growing up, I fell into the trap that crying is weak, especially for men so I became an emotional stuffer. Then the most beautiful thing happened when I was in counseling for myself. I was telling my story in the way I had told it for years…knowing every way possible to avoid certain parts of my story so that I could communicate that my story wasn’t good, but also remain completely neutral while telling it. I hyperfocused on a certain point in the room to avoid the emotion while telling my counselor the story and when I finished, I looked up at my counselor emotionless…and he was looking back at me, tears in his eyes but with a quiet strength behind the tears. It was the first time I saw that a person could cry and still appear strong which, naturally, made me start crying…something I told myself I would never do in the counseling room!
It was one of the most relieving moments of my life.
Counseling can bring up difficult emotions. Sometimes people cry because they’re sad, angry, overwhelmed, grieving, or simply relieved to finally have somewhere safe to talk.
Sometimes people have been holding things together for so long that when they finally have a safe place to let their guard down, the emotions come with it.
You don’t need to apologize for having emotions in therapy.
That’s part of why you’re there.
And if you don’t cry? That’s okay too. There is no “right” way to participate in counseling. Some people process emotions by talking, while others need time to think. Some people are very expressive, while others have a difficult time putting their feelings into words.
Your counselor’s job isn’t to judge how you respond. It’s to help you understand yourself and work toward the goals that brought you to counseling.
How Long Will I Need Counseling?
There’s no universal answer.
When I was thinking about what picture to include for this section my mind jumped to the bookcase scene in Interseller. If you’ve seen Interstellar, you may remember the bookcase scene where Matthew McConaughey’s character is desperately trying to understand what is happening and how to communicate with his daughter. At first, everything seems chaotic and impossible to understand. But as he begins making connections, the solution becomes clearer.”
To me, counseling can sometimes feel a little like that. We may begin by feeling overwhelmed and unable to see a way forward. As we start making connections and understanding what’s happening, the path toward our goals can become clearer.
Some people come to counseling for a few sessions to work through a specific problem. Others benefit from longer-term therapy as they work through more complex or longstanding concerns.
The length and frequency of counseling can depend on your goals, your circumstances, the concerns you’re experiencing, your progress, and the type of treatment being used.
It’s also important to remember that counseling isn’t necessarily about staying in therapy forever.
The goal is meaningful progress.
For some people, that may mean learning a few tools to handle a difficult situation. For others, it may mean doing deeper work that takes more time.
What If I Don’t Know What I Need?
That’s actually very common.
You don’t need to diagnose yourself before coming to counseling. You don’t need to know whether you have anxiety, depression, trauma, or a particular diagnosis. And you don’t need to know which type of therapy is right for you.
That’s part of what the counseling process is for.
Think back to the Interstellar example… McConaughey had no idea what he needed, but as things went on, they became more clear.
Your counselor can help you understand what you’re experiencing, identify areas that may need attention, and determine what approaches may be most helpful.
You simply need to be willing to start the conversation.
The Most Important Thing to Know
Counseling isn’t about being broken.
People seek counseling for many different reasons. Some are struggling with significant mental health concerns. Others are dealing with a difficult relationship, a major life transition, grief, parenting challenges, stress, trauma, or simply feeling stuck.
Sometimes people come to counseling because something is wrong.
Other times, they come because they want something to be better.
Either way, asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness.
It’s a sign that you’re willing to invest in yourself, your relationships, and your future.
At the Family Counseling Center of Middle Tennessee, we believe counseling should be a place where you can be heard, understood, and supported as you work toward meaningful change.
You don’t have to have all the answers before you begin.
You don’t have to know exactly what to say.
You don’t have to know exactly what you need.
You just have to be willing to take the first step.
Ready to Take That First Step?
If you’ve been considering counseling but aren’t sure where to begin, that’s okay. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own.
Contact the Family Counseling Center of Middle Tennessee to learn more about counseling and how we may be able to help.